Opinion: It's Okay to Not Feel Okay

One day in PE, my friend was ranting about some overwhelming occurrences that had plagued her recently. Concerned about her dark mood, I cheerfully offered, "Don't worry, everything will be alright. Try to think about the good instead of the bad."

Her response was the complete opposite of what I expected.

"Just let me be an angsty teenager, Angela," she snapped. "Not everything's alright all of the time!"

Society places happiness on a pedestal. We are expected to show up and smile, to think positive thoughts, and to constantly respond in the affirmative. The only acceptable response to "How are you?" is, "I'm good," not, "I'm
exhausted," or, "I'm not okay." We are surrounded by reminders to be happy and bombarded by reasons why we should be and how we can be.

The decision to choose positivity can be empowering if we are in the mental state to do so. However, we don't know what to do with our feelings when we are not. Many times, the rose-tinted lenses through which we are expected to see life just don't work.

"Everyone has bad days. I [had] a bad year," shared an anonymous high school student.

She continued, "I tried to convey [the despair] I was going through to multiple friends and the common response was 'just try and be positive.' ...It really isn't that easy."

"It was kind of like golf," she said. "I landed in the sand pit. I swung and swung and tried to get out but every swing only got me an inch closer to the other side... At a certain point, when everyone around you is... 'happy' and telling you to 'be positive,' it almost encourages you to be sad. Like being unhappy is a relief. Like everyone keeps cheering you on but it's not helping - it's making it worse."

She concluded, "Sometimes it's better to have someone that you can [just] talk... with than someone who will sit you down and [try to] rewire your brain to think more [positively]."

We can become so obsessed with the idea of happiness that, when something goes awry, we begin to assume that to feel bad is wrong and scrutinize our every action to see how we can make things right and be happy. One way that people seek happiness is through the purchase of material possessions.

"You too can be this person!" scream flashy advertisements that depict unnaturally cheery people who can't stop smiling. "Just go to this place or buy this product or try this new game and you'll reach a never ending state of bliss."

Student Andrea Kim told JSR, "I think I've always objectified happiness [as being connected to] material items or to people's judgments of me. So, I have always thought, 'If I have that one thing, I'll be happy.' But I've had to learn that this is not necessarily the case, and to think this way is incredibly exhausting."

According to new research, trying to suppress unpleasant feelings may be more than just exhausting or expensive. It appears that experiencing negative emotions plays a vital role in our mental health and well being.

A study from Olin University has found that "...participants who were making meaning out of their experiences with a mixture of happiness and sadness actually showed increases in their psychological well-being, compared to people who were just reporting sadness, just reporting happiness, or some other mixture of emotions."

In an interview with HuffPost Live, study co-author Jonathan Adler remarked, "It seems that there is something to be gained for your mental health in taking both the good and the bad together."

Unpleasant feelings are just as essential as the enjoyable ones in helping us make sense of the peaks and valleys of life because we can learn from them and take action to address the roots of the problems in the future. Suppressing these unpleasant feelings, and allowing them to be sources of guilt or shame, can inadvertently make those feelings worse and can even smother their benefits.

"There is a social stigma around depression because people are too scared to open up and talk about their feelings and [be] judged," commented Palisades Charter High School student Rachel Filler to JSR. "Anyone who is going through [depression] feels like it isn't normal, because nobody is talking about it, and now nobody wants to talk about it."

"...It's okay to let yourself feel other emotions because it's a part of life and you aren't always going to be happy all the time," Filler concluded.

And just as we are entitled to feel validated and okay with whatever feeling we may have, it is important to validate others' feelings and help others feel that that their feelings, too, are accepted and not shameful.

Tumblr user lost-and-not-so-found explained, "If you're trying to console anyone... validating their feelings can be so super helpful [because] a lot of times when we're breaking down we can feel like people think we're making a big deal out of nothing which makes everything worse. Having someone acknowledge your feelings is a really big help."

Instead of retreating from negative emotions, we should accept them and acknowledge how we feel instead of hastily trying to change our emotional state. Sometimes we feel like we're on top of the world, and at other times we think there will be no end to our struggles. However, through our highs and lows, it is imperative to realize that no feeling is final. We should embrace and accept our feelings rather than strive towards a hypothetical happiness.

Optimism definitely has its place. But there is no substitute for being in touch with, and accepting, your feelings.

Angela Yoo

Grade 10, North Hollywood High School